We’ve all had that moment of shock when someone says something that feels like a dagger to the heart. You thought they were kind, but suddenly they turned on you and it was like they were mysteriously tapping into one of your insecurities. In that moment, it’s easy to give into the emotion and react. …
We’ve all had that moment of shock when someone says something that feels like a dagger to the heart. You thought they were kind, but suddenly they turned on you and it was like they were mysteriously tapping into one of your insecurities.
In that moment, it’s easy to give into the emotion and react. Typically, the first reactive thought is “How dare you!”, and getting caught up in this narrative is common to all.
Not taking it personally, however, requires a different approach. It means resisting the urge to think and act like everyone else. It takes self-awareness and a willingness to change the usual script. It will take some practice to not get caught up in the moment and instead decide that they don’t get to control how I feel.
There’s one question that flips the script and puts the focus back on them:
“What’s going on with you?”
This simple question can be asked internally or externally, it has the same impact. It highlights that it’s not about you. They’re the one in pain. They’re most likely projecting the same insecurity, which is why it hurts so much, because they know that insecurity well.
Projection is an unconscious reaction where the attacker tries to cover up their own insecurities. The truth is, everyone projects from similar patterns because everyone has an identity to maintain. It becomes much easier to handle criticism once you recognise that the other person is projecting.
It’s also wise not to assume intent in these situations. Because projection is unconscious, people often speak before thinking, and it’s rarely about you. Most likely, they have something else going on in their life, and you just unknowingly touched a raw nerve.
Ultimately, the harshness of the insult depends on how much you own your insecurities. It’s far easier to respond to criticism when you accept your own flaws and are honest with yourself. We’re all a work in progress, no one is a finished masterpiece.
The Psychoanalyst Carl Jung highlighted this when he said…
“Knowing your own darkness is the best method for dealing with the darknesses of other people” — C.G. Jung
Once you see that everyone is suffering from similar challenges and unconsciously projecting, it becomes much easier not to take things personally. You become more empathetic toward others and start to see things with greater awareness. The result is a reduction in emotional intensity, and you no longer feel the need to get involved in their personal struggle.
That is an incredible superpower, you’re stepping away from anyone’s attempt to pull you into their struggles. Instead, you can view their emotional reaction and need for projection as a cry for help rather than a personal attack. Ninety-nine per cent of the time, it’s never personal, it’s simply their own inner anguish being projected.
However, it’s also important to value yourself and set boundaries when necessary. Allowing someone to walk over you is not the answer either. Sometimes you need to stand up for yourself. Establishing clear boundaries in your personal and professional relationships, and expressing them, will make poor behaviour less likely in the future. Otherwise, you risk being seen as a convenient target for further personal attacks and criticism.
So, it’s important to address the behaviour quickly by asking the question out loud: “What’s going on with you?” and making it clear why the behaviour is unacceptable. This helps ensure they think twice before directing criticism your way.
