What underpins all frustration?

We all experience the underlying feelings of frustration from time to time. A calm demeanour can flip like a switch, and in the next moment we’re overtaken by the familiar foe of frustration. In that moment, it often clouds all rational judgement.

If you step back and look closely, you’ll notice at its core all frustrations have a foundation… Expectation!

All frustration comes from reality not matching our expectations.

You expected life to pan out a certain way, people to treat you fairly, then reality reminds you it has other plans.

Ever since childhood, we learnt the emotion of frustration early. We would often protest “that’s not fair!”. The desire for fairness was constant but rarely satisfied. Many adults never let go of that expectation.

Unfortunately, life isn’t fair and expecting it to be fair is irrational.

Psychotherapist Dr Albert Ellis was one of the first to identify that many psychological problems stem from irrational beliefs and unrealistic expectations. He described what he called the “Three Basic Musts” that irrational people hold, and which typically cause emotional distress.

These three basic irrational beliefs are:

1. I must do well and win approval or else I am an inadequate, rotten person.
2. Others must treat me considerately and kindly in precisely the way I want them to treat me; if they don’t, society and the universe should severely blame, damn and punish them for their inconsiderateness.
3. Conditions under which I live must be arranged so that I get practically everything I want comfortably, quickly and easily and get virtually nothing that I don’t want.

All three beliefs share the basis of expectation that is fundamentally incongruent with reality. The result is a feeling of uncertainty and failure that makes us respond with a familiar emotion.

Much of this irrational thinking is conditioned early through fairness and competitiveness. We’re taught to compete, to win and simultaneously expect kindness and fairness from everyone involved.

It’s clear this kind of conditioned thinking is immature and unhelpful. Like most psychological patterns, it operates unconsciously, which means it often goes unnoticed until after it’s already had an impact.

The work, then, is learning to recognise this pattern as it arises and consciously choose a more adult, reality-based response. In other words, the key is to let it go, rather than engaging with the thought.

However, letting go is far more difficult when others behave in monumentally foolish ways, or when everything you work for seems to go unrewarded. In those moments, it’s normal to get caught up in the familiar patterns which leads to frustration.

The important question is, how long will you let yourself get caught up?

The only way to break the pattern of frustration is to gradually recognise that these irrational expectations are fooling you. This is no longer you, and this isn’t how an adult would think.

As soon as you notice it’s just an expectation behind the thought, drop it and bring your attention back to the present moment. Resist the urge to get caught up in the narrative. Recognise that this is nothing more than mental chatter and imagination, which is rarely the full truth. We tend to overgeneralise situations and overlook other possible explanations behind the story.

If you’re able to catch yourself, you’re already doing far better than most, who are completely identified with the stories in their minds. Awareness of what’s driving your frustration is real control. You’re becoming the master rather than the puppet.

One effective technique is simply naming the expectation. Such as, you might notice “oh, I’m just expecting approval from my work colleagues”, or “I’m expecting everyone on the road to be courteous, that’s an unrealistic expectation”. Naming it creates immediate distance and weakens its grip.

Greater presence is also a natural side effect to this work. You begin to lose trust in old thought patterns and place more value on what’s actually in front of you, rather than getting lost in mental narratives.

You may notice the subtle sensations in the body instead of putting your attention on incessant mind chatter. When this happens, clarity returns, and frustration no longer needs to rule you.